Things We lost But Never Had

Photo by Ian on Unsplash

 

Our dad has passed away!

I awoke to my phone’s blue flashing light in the dark of the early morning. My sister had sent a message. It contained no preamble and was straight to the point. The words seemed alive and had movement, and power. The power to send my emotions in a tailspin and permanently alter the course of my life. The power to forever change what I had hoped for.

W H A T happened! I read the message again. “Our father has passed away”!

I walked into the bathroom and stood there trying to digest the information.

My father is dead, I corrected myself, my sire is dead. I searched the vestiges of my mind trying to grasp the fleeting emotions taking flight. Regret, anger, disappointment, sadness, grief and even … love?

It seems that we are somehow genetically programmed to love the people that created and birthed us. As co-author of my dawn he is at least ‘owed’ love? No matter the why’s or the how’s of our life experiences at his hands, love is a top contender in the vying emotions of my grief.

I peered at my face in the early morning light and there I found vestiges of the man he once was. My face, my height, my hair, my mind, my personality and my strength of spirit were all genetically gifted to me from this man … now he was gone. All my life I had always been told I looked and behaved just like him. I recognize in some ways I am indeed a female version of him.

I stood staring in the mirror while my mind desperately sought glimpses/memories of him … and I saw him in myself. For the past two nights I could not sleep, I tossed and turned and this past night especially I had awakened sometime around 3 am.

Suddenly startled in wakefulness I am persuaded that it was around that time that he crossed over. I have always been sensitive like that, a little “knowing”. 

I find that I am sad and have resigning myself to the fact that our chapter is now complete, there will be no words added, no epilogue left in this book. Our relationship has reached its natural conclusion.

Our story has been written.

There will be nothing more for us, our fractured relationship will never mend. I had hoped against hope that he would have a long life ahead and that there would be time…  I am well aware that tomorrow is not promised, but I hoped he would mature and become a granddaddy where he never was a dad.

It will never be.

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Photo by Taylor Smith on Unsplash

 

COVID continues to steal, kill and destroy!

Yesterday I had inquired of my sister as to his state of affairs, there was no real change, he remained in the ICU suffering from COVID-19 and having difficulty breathing. We decided we would pray for him and we did.

I confess I was ill prepared for the message of this morning … our dad has passed away.

I will not  be travelling to Guyana for his funeral due to travel restrictions. I had pondered several times throughout my life what I would feel when he died and I always told myself that I did not care. Now I am in the reality of that situation and I do care!

I have prayed that he had the wherewithal to acknowledge his transgressions and have asked forgiveness and I know that our God is a merciful God. So in this I have hope, to one day to meet the daddy in heaven he never was able to be on the earth.

Be safe everyone.

 

You can read a bit more about my non-relationship with my father here.